THE INTERNET—Leaving the world gazing on in awe with their jaws agape from the results pouring in from the social media platform, wasteof.money shocked nations across the globe Monday after it elected someone who isn’t old as hell. “I’m just speechless, you’re telling me there's a place online that's just elected a guy who isn’t primed to be wheeled into the nearest care home and doesn’t have some borderline form of dementia? That’s crazy,” said Martin Fennel, a civil servant during former-President Joe Biden’s tenure at the White House as well as current President Trump’s administration. “Hold on, this new president of this website called wasteof isn’t an old fucking narcissistic asshole who people only use for their own benefit because he’s more easily bought than an assault rifle in the country?” said First Lady Melania Trump in a letter sent written in blood to The Wasted Onion’s office found in the building where the U.S. keeps all the moon landing props. “Just for the record I also am only married to this fucking bastard for the free plane and crypto rugpulls,” said another part of the letter. When asked about the recent election of Kiwi as wasteof’s new president, U.S. President Donald Trump said that he didn’t know what wasteof was, before proceeding to ask if the journalist meant DOGE.