THE INTERNET—After several months of being completely offline from the internet due to technical issues, Swiss social media site wasteof.money has returned as a paid subscription service.

Making an announcement to his account Tuesday, site owner Jeffalo said that "wasteof.money is finally back," before clarifying that the social media site would no longer be a free, accessible service for all. "fyi you are now required to subscribe to use the site. choose from either $6.70/month or $80.40/year." The subscription will be named wasteyour.money, according to the self proclaimed "creator of the hit website wasteof dot money."

In further statements made to the sites official Discord server, Jeffalo said that every post imported from the "nuxtification" channel to users' accounts would cost $4.20 each. Many users found that they had already been charged for their imported posts, even without providing payment information. Experts later discovered that wasteof administrators have close ties to tech company Palantir, having paid to siphon the credit card details of every wasteof user.

As of publication, the site prevents users from sharing posts, commenting, liking posts, reposting, reading notifications, changing settings, viewing posts, breathing, and dating other users unless they pay the subscription fee. Attempts to circumvent the restrictions have been futile, with reports online indicating that despairing users have been banned, IP-blocked and coincidentally thrown out of windows on the top floor of 100-story buildings to their deaths, with the deaths being ruled a suicide with no questions from authorities across the globe.

Data collected by incredibly weary analysts human trafficked by The Wasted Onion estimated around 69% of the sites roughly 4000 users had subscribed to wasteyour.money. Analysis of source code by North Korean hackers paid for by The Wasted Onion's various shell companies revealed that some users had been given access to the site without having to subscribe, such as @ILoveTimHortons and @EvilJeffalo. Further probing indicated @Burrito also had access without subscribing, this has been attributed to the fear he strikes into wasteof administrators with his unhinged, disturbing posts that make God question if he made a mistake in creating humanity.

"Guys I have no choice, if I have to waste money running this hellhole of a website, I might as well make you have to waste your own money to use it too. You think this is a fucking charity, huh? You think you deserve my glorious, hit site for free? Why? All your posts suck ass, so I can't even stuff the site full of ads to generate revenue since no one is going to sit there looking at ads just to see your bullshit posts. So the solution is simple, give me your fucking money," said Jeffalo on a Discord voice channel as the screams of the damned were heard in the background.

Soon after however, the wasteof owner appeared to change his mind, with ads for Goop products and the Trump Mobile T1 Phone being shoved down the metaphorical throats of visitors to the site. Those who attempted to use adblockers found that they would be prevented from proceeding to the site, with repeated attempts to access the platform with an adblocker resulting in the site calling upon Zeus to strike down the mortal who dare try to use wasteof without giving them your goddamn lunch money.

In reaction to the introduction of a subscription and advertising to the social network, users had mixed to negative reactions. Many claimed that the website has fallen victim to enshittification, while others speculated that Elon Musk might have purchased the site and was pretending to be Jeffalo by wearing his skin. Another theory posited that Blaze owner KyleTech was now running the social media site.

"This sucks. What do you mean I have to pay to use this place now? I'm just really sad now. I'm going to need to find somewhere else niche to doomscroll," said wasteof user @Esben. "I hope Jeffalo shits himself in his maths exam for what he's done," said another user named @Dertermenter. "new wasteof update is a massive upgrade," claimed user @EngineerRunner. "Honestly, I'm fine paying for wasteof. It makes me feel superior to you broke losers," posted user @Oren. "I wished Jeffalo was larping rn," claimed a defeated user who goes by @Eris. "was at burger king and pissed all over the cashier like a boss," said @Burrito as a warning shot that he was going to begin posting more abominations to the platform once again.

In response to the criticism, Jeffalo announced he would be adding generative AI to the post composer that would forcibly rewrite every users post to claim that they are in the Epstein files. Speaking of the reasoning for why he was adding such a feature to the site, Jeffalo said "because fuck you."

At press time, armed police had found Jeffalo tied to the wasteof server, with authorities revealing in a statement that the decisions to require a subscription to use wasteof.money was done by @EvilJeffalo, Jeffalo's rival entity who he has been in an eternal cosmic struggle with since the dawn of time.