STIRLING, SCOTLAND—Unveiling its upcoming 2026 wasteof.money election coverage, titled "War for Crack," The Wasted Onion has announced Monday that it will exclusively waterboard all candidates as part of its comprehensive reporting on the vital race.

"Since 1734, The Wasted Onion has covered the most pressing elections across the globe on both national and local levels, and most vitally, elections to select new Reddit mods on the Pokémon subreddit," said Clef Bozos, CEO of The Wasted Onion's parent company, The Wasted Company. "And during my tenure as CEO since 1856, I have been pathologically committed to keeping The Only News Source the best place to get your election news. This is why I am thrilled to announce that as part of our 2026 wasteof election coverage, War for Crack, we will be waterboarding every candidate to get the answers you deserve from your prospective representatives."

Mere moments after the election cycle began, prospective candidates received a notice wrapped around a brick thrown through their windows by The Wasted Onion's elite team of interrogators and human rights abusers. The notice threatened harm to the candidates and their loved ones if they failed to comply, ordering they go to the over 10,000 gulags owned by The Wasted Company to undergo their mandatory waterboarded interview before election day.

"To those naysayers at the UN, Amnesty, Human Rights Watch, and other such losers who claim The Wasted Onion is breaking international law: shut up," said the news outlet's head lawyer Paul Woodman. "Since when has any of that even mattered? Honestly, you folks are so pedantic. God forbid a media outlet asks political candidates tough questions while they undergo cruel and unusual punishment! Haven't you heard? They're called the Geneva Suggestions, and I suggest that The Only News Source is doing the right thing for our shareholders."

At press time, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu praised The Wasted Onion for its "unnecessary, cartoon villain-esque cruelty," stating he was aspiring to emulate the news outlet's laissez faire attitude to human rights in Gaza and the West Bank.