BERLIN, GERMANY—In an escalation of a spat between German Chancellor Friedrich Merz and U.S. President Donald Trump regarding the ongoing Iran war, the Pentagon announced Monday that it has ordered 5,000 troops to pull out of Germans. "Over the next 6 to 12 months, we will be ordering 5,000 all-American soldiers to pull out of the orifices of Germans. Whether it be a vagina, asshole, mouth, or some other hole, U.S. troops will pull out of them. This will leave many Germans sexually unsatisfied, begging the Chancellor to apologise so they can be dicked down properly by our well-endowed warriors," said U.S. Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth. "We very much anticipated this display of sexual mind games from the U.S.," said German Defence Minister Boris Pistorius to lesser news outlet dpa. "The presence of American troops in European, and particularly in German pussies, asses, et cetera, lies in our interest and in the interest of the U.S." Mr. Merz attempted to ease worries by promising to deploy German troops to fuck the brains out of Germans who have American troops pull out of them. At press time, President of the European Commission Ursula von der Leyen said European member states would need to start building up their militaries so they can ensure their populations are fucked to completion in the absence of rock-hard American cock.