WASHINGTON—Citing the supposed “immediate threat” that the territory poses to the nation's national security, U.S. President Donald Trump announced that he has ordered the military to deploy and invade the Heard and McDonald Islands. “My fellow Americans, today I have ordered the Department of War to deploy U.S. troops to disarm the Heard and McDonald’s [sic] Islands. They are very bad people, very bad. They are flightless, wet and way too big to be birds, birds are meant to be small. They have to be people, very bad people as I said. Their emperor is a very dangerous man, a strong man, very not good. We just have to take care of Heard and McDonald’s [sic]. They dumped hundreds of thousands of people into our zoos,” said Trump in an address to the nation. “These people on Heard and McDonald’s [sic] are very bad. They swim and waddle, what other people do that? They didn’t get my order for a Big Tasty and large strawberry milkshake right either, very bad at listening. We need to stop them. Our brave, very wonderful soldiers will beautifully stop them and put America first.” Sources close to the president believe he may have confused the island entirely inhabited by penguins as a nation formed by the fast food chain McDonald’s after Secretary of War Pete Hegseth drunkenly referred to the islands as “Big Macistan.” At press time, U.S. soldiers deployed to the islands had retreated after being pecked and out-manoeuvred by the flightless birds inhabiting the territory.