WASHINGTON—Offering patriotic citizens with extra cash burning a hole in their bank accounts the opportunity to go above and beyond for their country, the United States Treasury announced Monday it would offer citizens the chance to donate money towards funding a new Epstein Island. “Today we’re announcing that you can now help your country by contributing to our great nation's plans to acquire a new, bigger and better Epstein Island. You can contribute with credit or debit card, PayPal, Venmo and Cash App. You can even finance your donation with Klarna!” said Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent while standing beside a slideshow of a 3D rendering depicting a new Epstein Island themed like Disney World. “Think of this not just as an investment in current child rapists, but as an investment in future elite paedophiles that will tamper with vulnerable minors, which if you think about it, is the truest form of the American dream.” Mr. Bessent estimated a new Epstein Island would cost roughly 45 billion dollars, much of the cost being attributed to ensuring all evidence of the rich and powerful defiling children on the island was hidden from the public. At press time, notable figures like President Donald Trump, former President Bill Clinton and Prince Andrew all expressed support for the funding of a new Epstein Island, with the latter profusely sweating.