VATICAN CITY—After escalating tensions between the country and enclave regarding the ongoing Iran war, in the early hours of Tuesday morning, the United States of America has declared war against the Vatican City.

At approximately 04:00 local time, U.S. fighter jets began to rein down BGM-109 Tomahawk missiles onto various landmarks across the city-state, such as Saint Peter's Basilica, the Sistine Chapel, and the Vatican Museums. The attacks were intense and swift, in what appeared to be a "bombardment" strategy that U.S. military leaders hoped would result in a quick surrender of The Holy See.

Various airstrikes were also launched directly at the Apostolic Palace, the official residence of the pope, with officials for The Holy See confirming that while the palace was struck by U.S. military airstrikes, Pope Leo XIV was not currently in residence at the time of the strikes, and had been sent to a secure secret location, which has not been revealed by any news organisation, until now. The Wasted Onion can confirm that the pope is currently in a secure bunker underneath the Sistine Chapel, stocked full of all the rigatoni that one could ever wish for.

"A short time ago, the United States military began major combat operations in Vatican City. Our objective is to defend the American people by eliminating imminent threats from The Holy See regime. A vicious group of very hard, terrible people. Its menacing calls for peace directly endanger the United States, our troops, our bases overseas, and our defence contractors throughout the world," said U.S. President Donald Trump in an address to the American public shortly after the initial strikes on the Vatican, with Palantir founder Peter Thiel rubbing his hands together like a comic book supervillain behind the president as he gave his speech.

"They've rejected every opportunity to renounce their peace-supporting ambitions, and we can't take it anymore," said the president while wearing a white MAGA cap. Mr. Trump went on to claim that the current goal of the military action, named Operation Get Rekt, is to initiate "regime change" at the Catholic church, hoping to eject current Pope Leo and have him be replaced by a "whole different group of people," with names like former British Prime Minister Tony Blair, podcaster Joe Rogan, conservative commentator Tucker Carlson and CEO of UFC Dana White being thrown around the White House as potential candidates for assuming the role of papacy.

An anonymous source also suggested that Trump may install Vice President JD Vance as pope so he doesn't have to be around Mr. Vance as much.

Soon after initial American strikes, the supreme pontiff ordered that Vatican forces launch retaliatory strikes of holy water shot from water guns at U.S. service members, which was then followed by nuns throwing crosses against U.S. assets that were launching airstrikes at the enclaves territory. The Holy See also instructed clergy forces to blockade the U.S. blockade of the Strait of Hormuz, which itself is a blockade of the Iran blockade of the strait, with U.S. intelligence being "completely fucking baffled" how the Vatican of all groups is able to somehow enforce a blockade in the crucial waterway, according to sources close to the Pentagon. Further intelligence from the UK and France indicated the Vatican planned to blockade the strait by calling upon Jesus Christ himself to part the strait so that U.S. forces could not use the vital shipping lane.

Shortly after the retaliatory attacks by the Vatican, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said in a TV address that Israel had conducted airstrikes on Spain, citing "thriving antisemitic rhetoric" from Spanish Prime Minister Pedro Sánchez, after Mr. Sánchez criticised Israel for bombing the shit out of Lebanon and for their "horrendous" Eurovision entries. Mr. Netanyahu also cited that Israel just really wanted to bomb another country for kicks.

The war between the U.S. and Vatican follows after various comments by Pope Leo in which he criticised President Trump for statements he made regarding the U.S.-Israel war against Iran, as well as more general statements calling for peace. This resulted in Mr. Trump condemning the pope on Truth Social, criticising the pope for being a "little bitch" who doesn't like "cool as hell" explosions like those found in action movies, as well as being a "woke little snowflake" for being sensitive over the president threatening to commit genocide in Iran.

Trump has also faced condemnation from many across the world for posting an AI-generated image of himself depicted as a Jesus-like figure healing a sickly man in a bed, who for some random fucking reason looked a lot like comedian and host of The Daily Show Jon Stewart.

In further retribution against American aggression, Pope Leo signed a decree that instructed followers of the Catholic church to activate like sleeper cells and attempt to overthrow the Trump administration. This resulted in Vice President Vance, who is a Catholic, rushing the Oval Office to try and strangle President Trump before he was distracted by Secret Service agents using a couch dressed in alluring lingerie.

At press time, following talks mediated by Italy, the Vatican and U.S. had agreed a deal that would bring an end to hostilities after the two sides realised they both harboured a common goal of protecting paedophiles from facing justice.