LONDON—Proudly announcing it has met one of its targets made in 2019 during Theresa May's premiership, the UK government has announced Wednesday that it has successfully cut all homeless people in half. “I am proud to tell the British public today that this government has met a promise made to you in 2019 during the Tories time in government to cut all homeless people in the country in half by this year. I can confirm to you now that we have done it, the homeless are all cut in half, their torsos gruesomely separated from their legs,” said Home Secretary Yvette Cooper in a video posted to her X/Twitter account. “This Labour government is dedicated to change and getting Britain back into a healthier state economically and socially. Cutting every single unhoused person in half will reduce strain on the NHS as well as send a message to you broke bastards that if you keep using a foodbank and can’t pay your rent on time which results in you living on the streets that we’ll cut you in half too.” Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer later hailed the cutting of Britain's rough sleepers as “fantastic” and dreamily spoke of the “immense amount of blood, guts and body parts” that would have been flung around during the industrial sized operation of homeless-people-cutting. At press time, rumours emerged that No. 10 was considering a scheme in which it would cut anyone expressing support for the proscribed direct action group Palestine Action into tiny little cubes.