LONDON—In an effort to curb rising concerns over the dangers of the digital world, British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer announced plans Monday to ban the entire internet for the over 60 million residents of the UK. "Parents want to keep their kids safe and happy, but the online world has made that harder than ever," said Sir Keir at a press conference Monday morning. "That’s why we’re going further than any country in the world by banning the internet for everyone living in the UK, with specific measures in place to ensure that even the most determined, fedora-wearing Redditors cannot find some sort of workaround," continued Starmer while streaming his press conference on the internet. "We only have to look to countries like Iran, North Korea, and Saudi Arabia. We all know these bastions of free speech and democracy have successfully protected its children and young people from the harms of the online world. All it took was the courage to dismantle human rights and strip away every remaining vestige of digital connectivity." Following the announcement, reports emerged of Britons across the nation hurriedly printing out the entirety of Wikipedia and burning CDs with their favourite pirated Black Mirror episodes. At press time, the government announced a new state-funded initiative that would allow YouTube to deliver the latest MrBeast videos to UK households on VHS by tying them to the backs of hedgehogs.