WASHINGTON—In a startling alteration to the nation's taxation laws, President Donald Trump announced Monday he has instructed the IRS to remove taxes on bribes. “I have told the IRS that they need to cut taxes for our nation's beautiful bribers, we have to do it, very important work. It’s vital I keep my promise to make as much money as I can out of this shitshow,” said the President in a televised address from the White House with a group of Saudi Arabian and Chinese business people standing behind him waving stacks of 100 dollar bills. “If you're a restaurant worker, a server, a valet, a bellhop, a bartender, one of my many foreign handlers, your bribes will be 100% mine and every other politician across this great nation.” Trump went on to exchange fiery words with the White House press pool, accusing journalists of peddling “lies and fake news,” while going on to praise The Wasted Onion’s White House Correspondent Jeffery Epstein as “a wonderful man” and “very kind” to him. At press time, Trump suggested further changes to the country’s tax laws, such as removing taxes for planes from Qatar worth approximately 400 million dollars.