DALLAS, TX—Addressing supporters at the RNC Midterm Convention Wednesday evening, U.S. President Donald Trump vowed to legalise tax evasion for every American adult if Republicans retain control of the House and Senate in the upcoming midterm elections.

"If the Republicans win, you win with us, and you get to commit tax evasion," said the president in a speech during the opening night of the 2026 Republican National Convention, colloquially referred to as "Trumpapalooza" and "Grindr Central." "It will be called the Trump crime spree. We’ll call it the Trump crime spree. Now all we have to do is win. Which shouldn't be hard. It shouldn't be hard at all really, as we're rigging them, we're rigging the midterms."

The proposal, which would cost the federal government around $6 trillion, has been labelled by policy experts as "insanely fucking stupid," and "something only a dementia patient would conceive of." The promise has also raised ethical concerns, such as the legality of allowing uncontrolled tax avoidance at scale. Republicans have defended the initiative, pointing out that the concept didn't originate from Mr. Trump, but rather Elon Musk, who reportedly salivated at the prospect of dodging even more taxes than he already does.

"And with your vote, because of our great work and our tremendous economic success, as I said, we’re going to give you that Trump crime spree of unchecked tax evasion if we win," continued President Trump toward the end of his 48 hour long address. "Together, we will defeat communism in America once and for all. We’re going to defeat it, and we have to defeat it badly. We're also going to defeat America, we're going to defeat it like no one else has ever defeated anything before. We're going to make America poorer, weaker, and have as many statues of me as possible before I die of a Big Mac-related heart attack."

At press time, Democratic leaders warned that Trump's promise was "a transparent bribe," further asserting that the policy would exclusively benefit the ultra-rich, a phenomenon economists described as "literally just how the United States already works."