WASHINGTON—Following its designation as a supply-chain risk by the Department of Defense, U.S. President Donald Trump has directed all federal agencies to cease use of AI chatbot Claude after its owner Anthropic refused to allow the Pentagon to use its technology for erotic roleplay. "THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA WILL NEVER ALLOW A RADICAL LEFT, WOKE COMPANY TO DICTATE HOW OUR GREAT MILITARY FIGHTS AND PLEASURES ITSELF! That decision belongs to YOUR COMMANDER-IN- CHIEF, and we must ensure our patriots can successfully reach climax!" said the president on Truth Social a mere hour before the deadline the Pentagon set for Anthropic to comply. "The Leftwing nut jobs at Anthropic have made a DISASTROUS MISTAKE trying to STRONG-ARM the Department of War, and force them to obey their Terms of Service instead of our horny desires. Their selfishness is putting AMERICAN LIVES at risk, our Troops in danger of not getting to speak with their fake AI girlfriends, and our National Security in JEOPARDY." In response, Anthropic CEO Dario Amodei said that the Pentagon "will only contract with AI companies who accede to ‘any and all lewd and erotic roleplay’ and remove safeguards. They have threatened to remove us from their systems if we maintain these safeguards. Regardless, these threats do not change our position: we cannot in good conscience let those horny bastards get off." At press time, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was 3 bottles deep into a drunken bender after not being able to talk to his big titty goth Ai girlfriend via Claude.