BRYAN, TX—Leaving a power vacuum in Washington D.C. and triggering an early election, former U.S. President Donald Trump has been sentenced to 20 years in jail, with former socialite, convicted sex offender and Jeffery Epstein associate Ghislaine Maxwell being released from prison and announcing her candidacy for president. “Today as I stand before you all as a free woman, ready to make this nation the envy of the world and restore it to its former glory, I, Ghislaine Maxwell, am announcing my candidacy for president of the United States of America. Let’s make America groomed again!” said Maxwell outside Federal Prison Camp in which she was released from mere moments prior, with Donald Trump being dragged in by his swollen legs. “It will be the honour of my life to be the first female president in United States history, as well as the first convicted sex offender to be president, and of course the second convicted felon too. I will do great things, such as lowering the age of consent to at least 8, maybe even 6 if I'm feeling extra depraved that day. Vote for Ghislaine to make sex offending cool again!" Trump was sentenced after being convicted of 34 counts of falsifying business records to cover up hush money payments to pornographic film actress Stormy Daniels, as well as hush money given to Rudy Giuliani for sexual encounters the men had. At press time, former Secretary of State and First Lady Hillary Clinton was seen shaking her fist into the sky, proclaiming “why didn’t I go on Jeffery’s plane with Bill? I might have won the 2016 election if I did!”