WASHINGTON—Following a UN resolution endorsing a new map that more accurately reflects the size of landmasses across the globe, such as showing how Greenland is roughly 14 times smaller than Africa, U.S. President Trump has abandoned all ambitions to acquire the Danish territory.

"The WOKE leftist Extremists at the United Nations General Assembly have RUINED Greenland for the United States of America," wrote President Trump on Truth Social following the passing of the Togo and African Union-sponsored "Correct the Map" resolution. "This is a CRIME against AMERICA!! They have SHRUNK Greenland!!!! As your President, I am OFFICIALLY announcing the United States is ENDING its plans to acquire Greenland from Denmark IMMEDIATELY!"

The new map projection, known as the Equal Earth map, contrasts the commonly used Mercator projection by depicting a more accurate scale of continents like Africa and Europe, while drastically shrinking landmasses such as Canada and Greenland. The newly adopted projection also includes the Bermuda Triangle, a feature that devote conspiracy theorists and morons alike have pleaded to be mapped for centuries.

"The United States will NOT Tolerate the United Nations' attempts at FAKE NEWS and MAP Warfare," wrote the president in a 50-plus posting spree Saturday evening. "The DEI hires at Africa Inc. have STOLEN land from Greenland!!! They have mushed it into their no Good, very Bad continent to make it bigger!! Greenlanders must RISE UP and DEFEAT the Evil liberal Africans controlled by Sleepy Joe Biden and take Back Their Land and fix the maps!! THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER! PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP."

At press time, the UN General Assembly passed an emergency resolution to adopt a new projection that officially recognises Little Saint James as "Epstein Island" on all global maps.