WASHINGTON—Zoning out during a high-level Pentagon briefing on the ongoing Iran war Wednesday, U.S. President Donald Trump was caught daydreaming about having sex with his underage self.

"Yes, oh, you are truly beautiful, maybe the most beautiful of all beautiful people, believe me," murmured Trump, envisioning himself touching his 15-year-old self in a private hotel room, before being yanked out of his fantasy by a whiskey bottle shattering on the floor after being dropped by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth. "No! Come back to me, me! We haven't finished having our wonderful private time together to explore our bodies, and to witness how sexy you are at such a ripe, young age. Oh, so young, so tight. Nobody has ever had a body like that, not even close."

Sources within the administration who asked to remain anonymous, like White House janitor Lexi Williamson, told The Wasted Onion that the president frequently daydreams, with his fantasies consisting almost entirely of imagining anyone in his immediate field of vision as an underage version of himself and having impassioned sex with them. It was also alleged that aides keep Trump's attention during daily briefings by referring to other world leaders as underage iterations of the president, such as describing Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu as "Bibi Netrumpahu."

"Once again the lamestream [sic] media have tried to paint President Trump in a negative light to distract from his absolutely fire track record," said Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, while the president stood directly behind her, staring blankly at the back of her head and imagining her as a 13-year-old version of himself. "Instead of focusing on the many wins for the American people brought upon by the greatest president in our nation's history, pathetic organisations like The Wasted Onion continue to write articles that are simply false. To be clear, this administration does not have meetings regarding the Iran war."

In response to Mrs. Leavitt's comments, Paul Woodman, Head of Legal at The Wasted Onion, issued a statement defending The Only News Source as "definitely not lame," adding that lesser news outlets like The New York Times and Associated Press wished they had the balls to publish shit this good.

At press time, exhausted White House staff were reportedly scrambling to stop Trump from nuking Iran, hastily explaining to the president how many underage Donald Trumps would die if he started firing nuclear warheads at the Middle Eastern nation.