WASHINGTON—Explaining that she only wants “the right people” coming into the country, U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem said that Customs and Border Protection may start asking foreign tourists entering the United States for the last 5 years of their nude images as a condition for entry. “Unlike the previous Biden administration, we do not want violent thugs coming through our borders and making our water transgender or putting fentanyl in our condoms. We do not want the wrong people coming into our country, so with that and national security in mind, I will tell those planning on visiting the United States of America across the world that you may be required to hand over the last 5 years of nude images over to border security to keep America free and safe,” said Mrs. Noem with a stern expression that conveyed either seriousness or a fart being held in. “To be clear, if you attempt to evade this potential new rule by either deleting your nudes or discarding your electronic devices before entry, we will turn you away. Only those who allow agents to conduct a comprehensive search of your devices for any pictures of your dick, pussy, boobs or balls will be able to enter the United States. Don’t worry however, we’ll only laugh at your nudes if you’re fat or something.” Following the statement from Noem, those from around the globe reacted with contempt and bafflement, confused as to why U.S. officials need visitors to the country to hand over their nudes when the government already collects them via covert surveillance. At press time, Homeland Security clarified that minors would also be required to follow the potential new rule, with their nudes being sent directly to the president for “personal reasons” that the agency would not elaborate on.