CITY OF LONDON, ENGLAND—In a highly unusual intervention Wednesday, former British Prime Minister Sir Tony Blair said in a 5,700-word essay that the Labour Party must start fighting endless wars in the Middle East again to win the next general election. "The Labour Party is playing with fire; or, more accurately, with its future, and that of the country," began the essay, continuing later by claiming that "we don’t have a worked-out, coherent plan for the country in a fast-changing world and are in the wrong political position from which we can devise one and win a second term. But I have the solution. We must start waging endless, pointless wars in the Middle East once again," which was followed with a photo of Mr. Blair snogging former U.S. President George W. Bush. "I will be as clear as I can, Labour must start joining the United States in any war it decides to wage. No ifs, no buts. If we are to win a second term, we must show the electorate how deep our blood lust runs into the very core of our rotting hearts. We must kill innocent men, women, and especially children, in faraway Middle Eastern nations. If President Trump tells us to bomb Canada, Greenland, Cuba, or the Heard and McDonald Islands, we must do so. Labour leaders must put Trump's penis in their mouths. It is paramount that they put the U.S. presidents penis in their mouths." The essay also urged Labour to let AI companies convert every NHS hospital into a data centre, kill anyone receiving any kind of welfare payment, let BP go apeshit on pollution, and give the entire government budget to Israel. At press time, Blair said in a statement to lesser news outlet BBC News that Labour could allow the U.S. to make the UK the 51st state if all else fails.