THE INTERNET—After a gruelling campaign that pitted candidates against one another in a brutal battle to claim the keys to the Crack House, Thrat has officially become the third president of wasteof.money after ruthlessly assassinating their opponents.

"Today is a historic day in wasteof history," said Thrat during a victory rally as they casually held a bloody knife. "It is the honour of my life to take the office of the president of wasteof.money. It will be a role that I take on with pride, grace, and a deep sense of patriotism. I will waste like there is no tomorrow for you. I will spill blood for you. I have dreamt of this day since I was little, and now it is reality. That is in no small part thanks to you, the users of wasteof who voted for me in droves. Of course it was also aided quite a bit by my exceptional skills in throat-slitting while avoiding suspicion."

In the early hours of Sunday morning, the bodies of Thrat's opponents were found in their respective campaign headquarters. EvilJeffalo, who finished second in the polls as Thrat’s primary challenger, was found dead and surrounded with over 999 kitchen knives and 444 machetes, each bearing microscopic specks of blood. Meanwhile, fellow opponents Juni and Owl were found dead with poison darts in their necks, each neatly branded with the inscription: "L Bozo TallPeter LMAO."

"Well, at least EvilJeffalo is dead," said wasteof owner Jeffalo in an exclusive interview with The Wasted Onion after the election results were called. "EvilJeffalo has been a thorn in my side for quite a while now, and having him as president would be, well, evil. So while I definitely don't condone political violence, and send well wishes to the families of Juni and Owl, I won't lose any sleep at all that EvilJeffalo is now a bloodless husk that's going to be buried six feet deep."

At press time, Thrat's first act as president was to officially declare that the wasteof election was the friends we made along the way.