THE INTERNET—Following the bombshell announcement that the two campaigns would merge into one, presidential candidate Thrat and vice presidential candidate Eris went insane Thursday after forming a telepathic link and reading each other's thoughts.

"I am proud to announce that my campaign and Eris's are merging into one," read a post made by Thrat to their wasteof profile, attaching an image jokingly showing the two candidates merging into one entity with the caption "us (metaphorically) merging." "Not only that, but I will be building a 40-story McDonald’s if we win the presidency! Take that, EvilJeffa—wait, huh? Hello? Did anyone else hear that? Is someone there? Are you hiding?" asked a confused Thrat, unaware that they were broadcasting and receiving the innermost thoughts of their running mate after accidentally forming a psychic connection.

As the Thrat-Eris campaign moved throughout the day, the running mates slowly descended further into madness. Thrat began to climb the walls as they received a barrage of Eris's thoughts, which were comprised entirely of new features to add to her third-party wasteof client, Worm. Meanwhile, Eris was curled up in a ball on the floor, helpless as she received Thrat's never-ending stream of thoughts about fellow wasteof user Oren.

"I can't take this much longer! All they think about is glazing Oren!" yelled a distressed Eris, crying out for mercy. "I thought maybe thinking about the telepathy stopping would help, but all it did was make Thrat's broadcasts louder! Why?! Crap, this was a horrible idea. If we can't undo this soon, I think I'm going to have to get a lobotomy! I can't even think about any of the cool features I wanna add to Worm right now! All there is inside my head is Oren! It's all just Oren, Oren, Oren! Make it stop!"

At press time, the Thrat-Eris campaign announced that both candidates were being shipped off to Arkham Asylum to undergo experimental medical treatments to sever the telepathic link, a procedure widely expected to go wrong and turn them into supervillains.

I Took A Bribe To Commit Murder, But Owl And Juni Are Even More Unfit For Office

Hi guys! It is me, presidential nominee Thrat! I would firstly like to thank all of my loyal voters[?], who are ensuring a bright and prosperous wasteof.money [EDITOR'S NOTE: Bold of you to assume wasteof was ever bright or prosperous]. My rant’s primary service is not to serve as political propaganda [EDITOR'S NOTE: Keep telling yourself that, pal] so that more people vote for me (although I’d love that, thank you!), but as a stern warning to my fellow wasteof.money users about the dangers of electing someone like Owl or Juni.

Owl, who is currently placed in fourth position in the election, is most certainly an extremely poor fit for president [EDITOR'S NOTE: And you are?]. This is due to the fact that she has made multiple statements that she does not respect the beautiful and coveted democracy that has led wasteof to prosper for over half a decade [EDITOR'S NOTE: "Prosper?" What are you, a Star Trek fan?]. One clear piece of evidence of this is when Owl attempted to coerce me financially into assassinating our former beloved Vice President, Late [EDITOR'S NOTE: Did she offer Thrat a lot of money though?]. Instead, I acted like I was going to do such a wicked act in order to ensure my safety, but then swiftly and quietly reported this issue to the appropriate authorities [EDITOR'S NOTE: What a fucking wimp, if you're gonna pretend, then just do it at that point], ensuring that Late was warned of such dangers. Attempting to have political adversaries and rivals murdered clearly demonstrates that Owl is not compatible with wasteof’s values [EDITOR'S NOTE: What goddamn values?], and should not be voted for. Additionally, this behaviour has clearly not stopped, as Owl very recently said to a voter: “good choice, you'll be spared,” which shows that they have not grown politically or changed their violent, extremist views [EDITOR'S NOTE: We all know violence is the answer to winning elections].

Additionally, I personally do not find Juni compatible as president for a similar reason, as she has also threatened people as a direct result of this election [EDITOR'S NOTE: You've yet to prove that violence isn't the answer]. Saying “vote for me and nobody gets hurt,” is a clear threat [EDITOR'S NOTE: Hell fucking yeah it is!], and should not under any circumstances be tolerated in a fair election cycle [EDITOR'S NOTE: Good thing this isn't a fair election cycle then]. I do, however, see the potential irony in this post [EDITOR'S NOTE: First thing I don't find pathetic with this op-ed], and would like to clarify that while I do not want to see Owl and Juni barred from running, I do want to warn the public about electing such villains [EDITOR'S NOTE: Villains are fun though!].

I also personally find EvilJeffalo more than incompatible with being elected, potentially even more than Owl or Juni [EDITOR'S NOTE: Maybe you're all incompetent?], but that story will be posted soon [EDITOR'S NOTE: About as excited to read that as I am getting my tonsils removed].

Thank you for reading [EDITOR'S NOTE: Finally, some mercy], and I hope this has convinced you to change your vote to Thrat [EDITOR'S NOTE: I wouldn't vote for any of you even if my life depended on it], or another presidential candidate compatible with the values of wasteof.money [EDITOR'S NOTE: Again, what goddamn values?!].

[EDITOR'S NOTE: This op-ed was submitted by Thrat after they came to our newsroom and begged for a solid 16 minutes, so we relented and decided to post this bullshit to get them to shut up. And if these are our greatest and brightest candidates, then dear god, we're so fucked.]

Elsewhere on the Campaign Trail

• EvilJeffalo saw a surge in their polling numbers Thursday, which has been attributed to a new campaign promise to turn wasteof into a totalitarian dictatorship. "They deserve what's coming to them," said Julia Schiess, a political scientist at the University of Zurich.
• Casting his vote under the official election account's post Thursday afternoon, wasteof owner Jeffalo voted for Owl, stating that he was desperate to find out what her kindly worded letter said, which she promised to send to the platform owner if she wins the presidency.
• Following her post urging that the electorate vote for her because she is "not Nigel Farage," an investigative report by The Wasted Onion unveiled that Juni's legal name is actually "Figel Narage." In a statement to reporters, Juni denied any links to Farage, rather insisting that the name was given to her by Count Binface.