CAMBRIDGE, ENGLAND—After surveying a large cross section of those who identify with preserving traditional institutions, customs, and values, a new study published by Cambridge University researchers Wednesday found that conservatives across the world think about gay and transgender people more than gay and transgender people do.

"According to the data, the average LGBTQ+ individual spends most of their time thinking about normal, mundane things," said head researcher Dr. Frederick Young. "For example, many were thinking about the cost of living, regardless of nationality. They also were thinking about topics like what they were going to have for dinner, and debating what Lady Gaga songs ‘serve’ the most. On the other hand, the average conservative spent around 87% of their waking cognitive energy on bathroom mandates, the idea that LGBTQ+ individuals are ‘infecting’ the minds of children, and the societal impact of using a person's preferred pronouns."

Researchers involved in data collection reported severe burnout over the course of the study, conducted across North America, Europe, and Oceania over a 6 year period. They found that the average person who identified as LGBTQ+ would engage in discussions about their gender or sexual identity for an average of 10 to 20 minutes with researchers before naturally moving onto other things. Whereas participants who identified as conservatives would engage in rants about drag queens, men in dresses, and sodomy until they were physically gagged.

While many queer participants were found to be leading vibrant, rich lives, the study noted that conservatives struggled to maintain a basic level of self-care. One anonymous participant who identified as a MAGA conservative in the U.S. was reportedly failing to find time to shower or cut their hair, with researchers observing the subject using up to 90% of their time awake tweeting about why pride month is run by Satanists.

"I wholeheartedly believe the people who ran this so-called study are as corrupt as they come," said Theodore White, president of the conservative think tank Gaylord TransLesbiania based out of Brisbane, Australia. "I can tell you right now that those researchers are liberal hacks! Do you really think us conservatives have time to care about what these rainbow flag waving dolts do? Sure, they are going to Hell and I think we must subjugate and prevent them from living amongst our society, but I don't spend all my time doing that. I occasionally attack ethnic minorities too." During Mr. White's interview, which ran for 12 hours, he requested nine bathroom breaks to check his Facebook feed for the latest news on whether the concept of trans athletes in youth sports had been made illegal yet.

When shown Mr. White's statement, Dr. Young rebutted, stating that their methodology was sound and industry-standard. "He's just wrong," Young said. "We observed hundreds of subjects, and by the end of it, my colleagues and I were sick to the back teeth of talking to conservatives. We witnessed self-proclaimed conservatives walk into IKEA's and purchase every Blåhaj in the store, just so trans individuals couldn't have them." Dr. Young added that Mr. White "hasn't seen the half of it. We haven't even published our data on the staggering level of Grindr usage during conservative conferences."

"Wait, they think about us how much?" asked Hanna Göring, a bisexual woman living in Germany. "I mean, I know they're not very fond of queer people, but they seem to think an awful lot about us." Ms. Göring, who repeatedly asked reporters to verify if the study's claim that 87% of conservative thoughts are occupied by LGBTQ+ topics, seemed baffled. "I'm just busy living. I'm mainly thinking about rent or what to watch on Netflix. I'll scroll for hours, then just giving up and watching ‘Is It Cake?’ because I am that fucking boring."

Another member of the public interviewed by The Wasted Onion seemed just as confused. "So, hold on, right-wing people are thinking about transitioning more than actual trans people?" asked Jørgen Dahle, a trans man living in Norway. "I thought J.K. Rowling was obsessed. But to see it confirmed by actual researchers is pretty surreal. I'd say most of my thoughts this week have been about the new Olivia Rodrigo album." Mr. Dahle was visibly floored when informed that 19% of conservative subjects' thoughts were dedicated to developing an international emergency alert system that would trigger every time a trans person received gender-affirming care.

The study's authors warned that the orderly operation of many governments are under threat due to the unhealthy obsession with the LGBTQ+ community. Researchers observed that many governments run by conservative lawmakers were less likely to pass bills that collectively benefit their citizens, as conservative politicians and leaders were instead expending massive amounts of cognitive energy on writing laws designating pride marches as domestic terror threats.

Dr. Young and his team also discovered a promising link between the amount of cognitive energy spent on fixating about LGBTQ+ topics by conservatives and the usage of dating app Grindr during conservative conventions. "We do believe there is a link between the amount a conservative spends thinking about queer individuals and the time they spend secretly swiping through matches on Grindr in public restrooms." The research team at Cambridge University felt it could help explain spikes in usage of the LGBTQ+ dating app in cities where conservative events are being held.

The study's findings have been lauded by academics across the world, offering a peer-reviewed, definitive picture of a phenomenon in which the average conservative pundit's thoughts are so focused on the existence of the LGBTQ+ community that they are statistically gayer than the average queer person.

At press time, Dr. Young and the rest of his team updated their display names on various social media websites to include their preferred pronouns in an effort to discourage conservatives from speaking to them ever again following the conclusion of the study.