ABU DHABI, UNITED ARAB EMIRATES—Leaving global oil prices in a state of chaos as the Iran war raged on, the Strait of Hormuz reopened Monday before closing again, then reopening for a second time, hold on, it's closed again, nope, it's back open, wait, never mind, it's closed once again, actually, fuck it, we give up.

"We can confirm that the United States' military blockade of the Strait of Hormuz is officially over, or currently in force, it depends," said a visibly exhausted spokesperson for CENTCOM, rubbing their forehead. "We will now be allowing all maritime traffic through the waterway, or actively preventing said traffic. Honestly, its better you just assume we're sort of doing both at once."

Scenes unfolding on trading floors of stock exchanges worldwide saw financiers erupting into cheers of "hooray!" whenever the strait reopened, only to collectively groan "awwww!" every time the vital waterway closed again, seemingly stuck in an endless loop of euphoria and crushing disappointment.

"While the foolish Americans believe that the Strait of Hormuz can only be open or closed, it is actually neither, rather in a state of constant ‘opened-closed-ness,’ a liminal state that is neither physical nor imagined," said a spokesperson for Iran's IRGC. "Unfortunately for America's leaders, they are too simpleminded to understand that the strait is more than a shipping lane, it is Schrödinger's strait. Whoever observes the it wields its power, and we are the ones who are observing."

At press time, experts in geopolitics and oil markets had come to the unanimous conclusion that the Strait of Hormuz was the friends we made along the way.