LONDON—As rumours swirled Sunday that his premiership is coming to an end due to mounting pressure from within his own party, reports suggest that British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer is expected to announce his departure as PM on Monday, thereby completing the ancient ritual that will see him sacrifice himself to the gods of the Labour Party. "The prime minister will do what is in the best interest of the country," said Business Secretary Peter Kyle to lesser news outlet BBC News. "He is reflecting on the challenges he faces and political realities. That's why I believe the prime minister will do what he thinks is right. If that requires him to offer himself to the deities that preside over the Labour Party, then so be it." The ritual, first inscribed into the party's foundational documents in 1900, mandates that the prime minister may offer themself as an offering to the Labour gods Thoktyx, Xegion, and Zevphine in exchange for a 5% higher vote share and a 0.001% chance to regenerate as the next Doctor in Doctor Who. "While not entirely surprising, it is quite the shift in tone for this government," said political analyst and massive fucking dork Damian Henderson. "Starmer has been under pressure for a while, from the Mandelson scandal to other failures like winter fuel payments, it's not an awful shock he is considering taking the fire escape. But we haven't seen a ritual blood-sacrifice to the Labour gods like this for decades. Former Labour prime ministers such as Gordon Brown only offered up a left testicle, while Tony Blair famously offered his soul and conscience." At press time, Reform UK Leader Nigel Farage said that if he became prime minister in the next general election, he would "use the powers bestowed upon me by Satan" to govern the nation.