THE INTERNET—After a gruelling endurance test consisting of doing absolutely nothing for countless hours, wasteof user SpecialRed has achieved the unthinkable by reaching 100 unread notifications on their YouTube account.

"Wow! That's amazing! I didn't think it could be done!" said Artur Filan, a random Polish bus driver who was kidnapped at knife-point by The Wasted Onion staff, thrown into the back of a van with his hands tied, driven to an undisclosed location, and forced to provide commentary on SpecialRed's milestone. "That's so cool! Truly! I've never even considered the possibility of someone reaching 100 notifications on YouTube. That takes some real dedication, I imagine. Congratulations to um... SpecialRed! Yeah! Cool! Okay, can you please let me go now? I have a family!"

The milestone, now officially recognised as a world record by the Office for Useless Bullshit Statistics (OUBS), was achieved after SpecialRed refused to open the YouTube app on their phone for over a month, instead dedicating all of their screen time to watching TikTok videos of dogs riding skateboards while wearing backward baseball caps. It is understood that SpecialRed will be inducted into the Hall of Fucking Nobodies by the OUBS next week.

"Whoa! Officiated by OUBS? So cool!" sobbed Mr. Filan as he continued to plead for his release. "Just wow! So wow! Wow! Amazing! I'm so happy for SpecialRed! This is, like, even cooler than the moon landing! Yeah! Wow! Wow! So cool! Awesome! Super duper! Yay! Please, for the love of fucking god, let me go! I won't tell anyone, I'll stay quiet, you can trust me, okay? Please, I'll do anything!"

At press time, Mr. Filan was found unconscious outside YouTube headquarters, bound and gagged with a YouTube play button branded onto his forehead that read: "time to reach for 200!"