LOWDEN, IA—Uncovering the ultimate backend of existence inside the decrepit ruins of an abandoned strip-mall Thursday, a group of small-town conspiracy theorists reportedly discovered the master console of our simulation.

"Bro, we could not believe it at first, but holy crap, we actually found the admin console to existence itself!" said Duncan Weber, a local 39-year-old auto mechanic. "It's pretty wild, man. You can add new weather, toggle breathing permissions off for specific users, delete someone's genitals, just a ton of cool features. What's even crazier is how user-friendly it is. Seriously, it has a proper UI, easy to navigate menus, zero lag, and even has a handy help section for simpletons like me."

According to residents who spoke with The Wasted Onion, reality began to shift immediately: buildings across the town grew new brutalist floors, intersections suddenly became replaced with roundabouts, and potholes that had existed since the Clinton administration were filled. Most jarringly, the local high school's student body abruptly dropped by several dozen names, reportedly removing students who were likely to commit a school shooting. All of these anomalous incidents are believed to have been caused by residents frantically clicking around the master console's various options and tools.

"This shit is cool as hell," said Tilly Barnes, a 26-year-old grocery store clerk. "You're telling me the master console to our existence is in the basement of a defunct mall in our small little town? I mean, I'm not entirely sure letting a bunch of amateur conspiracy nuts bend reality to our every whim is a good idea, but hey, finders keepers!"

At press time, the SCP Foundation had descended upon the town, confiscating the master console, interrogating residents to administer Class-A amnestics, and attempting to suppress the publication of this article [EDITOR'S NOTE: Nice try assholes].