BORDEAUX, FRANCE—Amazed to finally witness the elusive phenomenon after decades of research and hypotheses, scientists from Sorbonne University observed a tamefire for the first time Wednesday.

"Today we have finally witnessed what was once regarded as just a fantasy," said Dr. Catherine Le Sueur, a fire ecologist at Sorbonne University, recounting her team's encounter with the amiable blaze. "It is beyond our wildest expectations, or should I say, our tamest expectations? The tamefire we observed on the outskirts of Bordeaux was nothing like its cousin, the wildfire. Unlike the many wildfires currently ravaging parts of France right now, this tamefire kept itself to a small pile of kindling roughly one metre wide, only spreading to unimportant patches of dry bush after asking for consent."

Tamefires, named after the Australian psychedelic music project Tame Impala, have been believed to exist for as long as wildfires have. According to experts, tamefires diverge from their destructive counterparts in a few key ways; such as keeping themselves contained to small, manageable areas so they can be easily extinguished by firefighters, actively avoiding areas of importance like population centres or forests, and asking any passersby if they would like anything heated up for them, like their lunch.

"They're going to be a dream to encounter going forward," said Tristan Delisle, a firefighter currently battling wildfires all across France. "When Catherine called me to come and see this so-called ‘tamefire,’ I was sceptical. Not just because the concept of a chivalrous conflagration seems utterly absurd, but that I couldn't even fathom how they would even behave. But when I finally got to Bordeaux and saw this itty-bitty fire burning away on some disregarded bushes, I was floored. Me and my team were able to extinguish it in less than a minute, but not before we took the little ember up on its offer to heat up our croque monsieurs."

At press time, BP, Shell, ExxonMobil, and other oil giants took credit for heating the planet enough to allow for the creation of tamefires, claiming the phenomenon warrants the continued extraction and usage of fossil fuels.