SMURF VILLAGE, BELGIUM—After decades of studying the elusive colony of small blue humanoids, scientists announced Saturday they have finally discovered how Smurfs reproduce.

"Smurf reproduction is not what we think," said Dr. Rayleigh Moore, a reproductive biologist at Harvard University. "From our own observations, we can confirm that Smurfs reproduce with the use of their hats. After extensive genetic mapping, we believe that new offspring are formed when two Smurfs bump the tip of their hats together at exactly 45 degrees, thus causing a chemical reaction that we are naming ‘Smurfilisation.’ Following this process, which takes roughly four seconds, a brand-new, unnamed Smurf will emerge out of thin air. From our understanding, Smurfs do not possess birthdays, nor have parents, which means they can avoid the whole ‘dad left to get milk’ thing some human children need to endure."

Dr. Moore's team further discovered that the mating season for Smurfs occurs usually around two months before the beginning phases of production of a new Smurfs film or other media, with the season usually lasting only two-to-three minutes, sometimes even less. Another discovery by researchers confirms that interference during this process, such as touching the tip of a Smurf's hat or direct efforts to spur on more hat tip touching can cause an overpopulation issue, resulting in an endless array of faulty Smurfs like "Depressed Smurf," "High Blood Pressure Smurf," "Foot Fetishist Smurfeet," and "Smurffrey Epstein."

"Wait, humans have been watching us touch tips?!" said a panicked Papa Smurf to The Wasted Onion, after The Only News Source shrunk its reporters to speak with the elder Smurf. "By golly! How dare you! We're a peaceful people, but no, you humans have to come and invade our most private of places, our village, and forcefully observe what is one of the most sacred and intimate acts of our kind. Would you like it if we watched you touch tips?"

At press time, one of the faulty Smurfs, Smurffrey Epstein, was found dead in his prison grotto, with the Smurf Village Police Department claiming the Smurf sex trafficker had committed smurficide by hanging himself with a vine.