WASHINGTON—Making sure that he would not be beaten to the punch by other members of the Trump administration, Secretary of Health and Human Services RFK Jr. called dibs on President Trump's penis during a cabinet meeting. "Sorry to interrupt everyone. I know we are discussing how to deal with the Iran war and other things, but I just want to let you know I call dibs on Donald's schlong," said the health secretary during the cabinet meeting, according to sources close to the White House while keeping their distance from RFK Jr. himself. "No need to worry, I won't do anything weird with the president's genitals. I just want to cut them out of his corpse and study them later. My kids will wait patiently in the car. I have a spot already in my freezer full of roadkill where I'll study it." After The Wasted Onion contacted HHS for comment, the department replied with a statement saying to "just admit it. We're all as curious as one another as to how truly fucked up the president's penis is. What if its corkscrew-shaped like a pigs penis?" During the same cabinet meeting, Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth and FBI Director Kash Patel were seen fighting over who could call dibs on any alcohol Trump had in his possession. At press time, the darkness that harbours within Trump called dibs on what can only be described as his decrepit soul.