WASHINGTON—In a bold furthering of his Make American Healthy Again agenda, Secretary of Health And Human Services RFK Jr. announced a definitive cure to mortality Tuesday, advising Americans to "just die bro," to rid themselves of the ailment once and for all.

"Mortality has been a scourge on the human race since the dawn of time, and we now finally have the cure," claimed RFK Jr., standing at the podium wearing his signature jeans, soiled with the blood of various roadkill he had scavenged during his commute to HHS headquarters. "It's very simple, cheap, and effective. What you need to do is just die, bro. Death is the ultimate natural cleansing agent, detoxing the body from this plane of existence and preparing it for the next life in Valhalla."

The announcement sent the MAHA movement into overdrive, with proponents and influencers part of the movement promoting various ways to cure oneself of mortality, including unlabelled bottles of mysterious red pills, unfiltered water mixed with raw milk, every Alex Jones supplement blended into a thick gritty milkshake, and what many referred to as "old faithful," an impossibly large anvil dropped from a great height.

"No, dying does not ‘cure’ mortality," said Dr. Matilda Gardner, a forensic pathologist who works at the D'oh! Dead Again? coroners office, one of the most prestigious in the United States. "You cannot ‘cure’ mortality, especially not using the methods being promoted by the HHS Secretary and his army of influencers. It may come as a shock to anyone without a functioning frontal cortex, but dying actually contributes to the continuation of mortality, no matter if you induce death on your own terms with an anvil or not." RFK Jr. quickly rebutted Dr. Gardner's claims, dismissing her as a "deep-state shill for big life."

At press time, the CDC was advising Americans who wished to cure themselves of mortality could go to their nearest high school and wait for an inevitable school shooting to end their life.