THE INTERNET—Explaining the “massive opportunity” he is offering to the nation Sunday, wasteof President Kiwi has announced a live television competition titled “The Wasting Games” in which participants compete to waste the most amount of money. “My fellow wasteof users, I am overjoyed to share with you today my administrations greatest idea yet, The Wasting Games! In this upcoming competition, we will pit a selection of you against each other to waste the most amount of money you possibly can. The one who wastes the most money will get to stay in our wonderful nation, the loser however, well, they go to the hole,” said the president during an address to the nation, his eyes rolling into the back of his skull when referring to “the hole” with a demonic voice. “Now I know what some of you will be thinking, ‘this sounds all very dystopian, like something George Orwell would concoct’ or ‘an episode of Black Mirror that never got greenlit for being too depressing.’ But I can assure you, it will be like, super duper cool guys, I promise you won’t feel like you’re one step away from having to volunteer as tribute. You’ll just go into severe, crippling debt that will ruin your future forever.” In reaction to the announcement, owner of wasteof Jeffalo was found running to the nearest Tim Hortons to avoid being selected for the television program. At press time, the inaugural season of The Wasting Games had begun with one contestant who purchased a X/Twitter Premium subscription being out-wasted by another competitor who purchased a Tesla Cybertruck.