LONDON—Closing the door on Sir Keir Starmer's two-year premiership at 10 Downing Street Monday, Paddington Bear has been invited by His Majesty to form a government, becoming the seventh Prime Minister of the United Kingdom in ten years.

Paddington Brown, better known as Paddington Bear or simply Paddington, ascends to the premiership following his resignation from a celebrated acting career, during which he portrayed himself in three successful action-adventure films. He successfully stood as a candidate in a snap by-election in Makerfield, winning a 54% share of the vote to enter parliament. Mr. Bear faced no opposition from fellow Labour MPs after Starmer announced his resignation, culminating in an uncontested leadership election.

Reactions from opposition parties has been a mix of surprise and confusion. Conservative Leader Kemi Badenoch stated that Labour was "trying to wash away its incompetence by using a beloved British icon," accusing Labour MPs of being "weak-willed" to allow Paddington to take the helm of No. 10 with no contest. Reform UK Leader Nigel Farage was even more condemning, claiming the marmalade-loving bear was "the establishment in its final, ugliest form," and "a complete mockery of what it means to be British," given that Paddington hails from Peru. Green Party Leader Zack Polanski struck a different tone, stating that "while we believe Labour is ill-equipped to deliver real change and hope for Britain, questions regarding Paddington's origins as a Peruvian are blatantly racist and unfair," continuing by claiming politicians and the general public "should judge the new Prime Minister by the content of his character, not whether he has fur, is human, or was born in Britain. Paddington is British in every way that matters." Leader of the Liberal Democrats Sir Ed Davey was unavailable for interview due to currently attempting a skydive for no apparent reason.

Mr. Bear's policy positions remains fluid, by his own admission. When pressed if he leaned to the left or right of the Labour Party, the duffel coat wearing bear responded by saying he "dipped his paws into every pond," adding his goal is ensuring "everyone has the very best party ever!" The optimistic vision has faced scrutiny and bafflement by experts. A key promise to replace free meals at primary and secondary schools with marmalade sandwiches was especially poorly received, with financial experts questioning how the government would afford the vast quantities of marmalade required to meet demand. Many parents have also questioned the policy, questioning whether their children will starve if they do not like marmalade. Meanwhile foreign policy has proven equally divisive, especially when Paddington stated he wanted to resolve the Iran and Ukraine wars by inviting both sides to "hug it out and find a shared joy in making marmalade sandwiches," prompting immediate criticism. The PM-elect faced similar pushback from both Israelis and Palestinians after he suggested the conflict between the two sides could be resolved by "having a cup of tea and joyously jumping into puddles together."

However, not all policy announcements have faced as much ire from experts and the public. A policy pledge to scrap government-issued digital ID's for all UK adults was met with praise from the public and many experts, who see the Starmer-era proposals to be a distraction from issues like the cost of living. Paddington said "this reprioritisation of public resources is driven by the fact I don't really understand what a digital ID does. Not to be rude to the lovely people who have tried to explain it to me, as they are truly lovely individuals, but it is very befuddling, so I'm going to end that for mine and everyone else's sake." Many reporters from lesser news outlets were left speechless after witnessing what they saw as the most decisive piece of policy-making to emerge from No. 10 in years.

The British-Peruvian's popularity grew even more when he announced his intention to repeal the Online Safety Act after taking office. "I feel quite confused by this piece of legislation. I don't mean to be rude to the very hardworking folks at Ofcom, they have very difficult jobs! But I feel they are being considerably overworked. They don't have any time to enjoy a marmalade sandwich or a cup of tea! They are expected to manage this ‘internet’ thingamajig, and if I'm perfectly honest, I don't think anyone can, even if they had a thousand arms! So, I think to make the lives of our wonderful regulating people just a little bit less stressful, I will get rid of this act."

At 10:00 local time, Mr. Bear was escorted into Buckingham Palace shortly after Sir Keir Starmer tendered his resignation. Paddington's audience with King Charles III followed the standard tradition in which His Majesty invited the bear to form a government. Insiders at the palace reported that the bear accidentally tripped over a corgi and broke a priceless antique placed upon a vintage coffee table, with Paddington apologising profusely to the King for any disruption he had caused, only to injure a butler by dropping a shard of the smashed antique onto his foot, once again apologising endlessly.

As Paddington Bear walked through the iconic black door of 10 Downing Street for the first time, early reports from civil servants were overwhelmingly positive. "He's just a breath of fresh air," said an anonymous civil servant who spoke to The Wasted Onion, as long as we don't identify her as Jennifer Wells. "He's incredibly polite. He actually thanks me for giving him his daily briefings, asks me to explain things he doesn't understand, and remembers me by name, rather than just calling me ‘that annoying bitch.’" When asked about Mr. Bear's decision making style, the anonymous source claimed "he's not the brightest or well-informed, but if we're honest, that's not exactly a new thing here in the last decade. At least he isn't a prick. Sure, he breaks things all the time, but he doesn't mean any harm. Plus, the duffel coat is cute, and he's easy to please, we just hand him a marmalade sandwich and he's happy as a pig in muck."

Early picks for the new cabinet have received mixed reactions from political pundits and the public. With the selection of Basil Brush as Foreign Secretary, Hacker T Dog as Chancellor of the Exchequer, and Mr. Blobby as Deputy Prime Minister evoking the strongest reaction so far. Further selections could include both Sooty and Sweep, Postman Pat, Bob the Builder, Feathers McGraw, Shaun the Sheep, and Wallace with his trusty pet dog Gromit.

At press time, Nigel Farage called on Paddington to either "stop the boats" or resign as Prime Minister and hand himself over to the Home Office so he could be promptly deported back to Peru.