THE INTERNET—Expanding on her campaign promise to finish wasteof4 and begin work on its successor, presidential candidate Owl said Friday that wasteof5 will feature a button to drop an anvil onto the heads of other users.

"It has been far to long a wait for wasteof4 to be finished," said Owl in a post on her wasteof.money profile Friday morning. "That is why I am pledging to get Jeffalo to finally finish wasteof4. After that, I will begin work on its next evolution, wasteof5. One of the many amazing features I have planned is a dedicated button that will enable you to drop an anvil from a great height directly onto the head of a user. It can be for any reason, maybe you don't like them, or they posted cringe on main, or you're just bored and want to see someone flattened like a pancake. Whatever your reason, you will only get bold policies like this from the Owl campaign. You'd be hooting mad not to vote for me now!"

In an exclusive interview with The Wasted Onion, Owl explained that the feature would be available as a button at the top of every user's wasteof profile, allowing anyone to target whoever they please for any reason. Once activated, Owl claimed a comically large anvil would instantaneously materialise above the victim's head and drop directly onto them, crushing them into a bloody mass of pulp within mere seconds. It was also noted that it would not matter if the user was indoors or outdoors, with Owl reassuring reporters that an anvil will materialise successfully no matter what to flatten the unsuspecting victim.

"I am deadly serious about this pledge. Almost as deadly as an anvil squishing someone right on the noggin," said Owl in an interview with lesser news outlet CNN. "I will move Heaven and Earth to get this done. No matter what happens, if I am elected president, then there is going to be some skulls caved in with anvils even if it kills me. Which it might, considering that I will also potentially be subjected to an anvilling [sic] of the highest order. Yeah, you heard me right, I will also have the button applied to my profile. You will be able to anvil your own president if you so wish. That is my guarantee to you."

At press time, staffers for the Owl campaign were seen speaking with anvil manufacturers to estimate the cost of enacting the policy, while simultaneously attempting to enchant their pens with Unbreaking III using old books they insisted were "enchanted."

Thrat Assassinated TallPeter Last Year So We'd Have A Better Chance Of Winning This Year

Hello, my fellow wasteof.money users. As many of you know, I am running in this year's presidential election. I've already shared how I plan to make wasteof even better, such as finishing wasteof4, starting wasteof5, and wearing former President Kiwi's skin. Now, of course I believe my opponent, Thrat, is not a suitable candidate, but even they have one thing that bodes well for them in my view: the fact they assassinated 2025 presidential candidate TallPeter, thereby giving all of us a much better chance of winning this year.

I know it is an uncomfortable truth, but it must be acknowledged. Last year, the TallPeter-Dertermenter campaign was steamrolling all of us. Being as tall as he was, TallPeter stood physically and metaphorically above the competition throughout the 2025 election. If Thrat hadn't assassinated TallPeter when they did, we all most certainly would have lost. I know it feels cruel to say this, but feelings don't care about your facts, or something to that effect, that might be a misquote [EDITOR'S NOTE: No shit Sherlock].

I'm sure that my opponents, no matter how much they dislike Thrat and their currently winning campaign, have to agree that their no-scope head shot on TallPeter really came in clutch. I can't imagine Kiwi winning the 2025 election without the help of Thrat's pro-gamer gun work. Of course, I did panic a little when The Wasted Onion released some documents part of the TallPeter files last year [EDITOR'S NOTE: Good, you should fear The Only News Source], but in the end, what matters is that TallPeter is six feet deep. I call upon my opponents, Juni, EvilJeffalo, and others, to thank Thrat for their courageous act of senseless political violence.

With that, I thank you for reading my op-ed. I hope I've not only convinced you of my argument, but also persuaded you to vote for me, Owl. However, if not, I have a lovely pair of concrete boots waiting for you.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: The Wasted Onion takes no responsibility for injuries or death incurred from wearing Owl's concrete boots. Although we will report on your subsequent injury and/or death with giddy delight.]

Elsewhere on the Campaign Trail

• Following a smear attack from opponent EvilJeffalo claiming the candidates were both users of rival platform Darflen, the Thrat-Eris campaign fired back Friday, clarifying they do not have any ties to Darflen whatsoever and use Blaze instead.
• Expressing discontent Thursday evening, EvilJeffalo attempted to derail opponent Thrat's campaign by accusing them of murdering 2025 presidential candidate TallPeter, only to accidentally send Thrat surging in the polls by proving they were eviller than EvilJeffalo themselves.
• Taking to her wasteof profile Friday morning, Juni vowed that if elected, she would defecate on the Dell OptiPlex that acts as the site's server, stating it would mark her territory and ward off anyone attempting to tamper with wasteof's infrastructure.
• Sweeping into the race with currently zero votes to their name, LandonHere has promised to provide government-subsidised healthcare specifically designed to transform an individual into a catgirl for the low, low price of just two cents.