WASHINGTON—Leaving the world in shock [TK DOUBLE CHECK TWITTER TO SEE IF IT'S A SURPRISE HE’S CROAKED OR NOT], The White House has announced U.S. President Donald Trump has died [PEACEFULLY OR IN UTTER ANGUISH—COPY FROM NYT ARTICLE] in [TK LOCATION—PROBABLY GOLF COURSE] at the age of 79. Born June 14, 1946 in the New York City borough of Queens, Trump would go on to work at his fathers real estate company [NOTE: DO NOT HARP ON THE BLATANT NEPOTISM OR MAGA WILL CRY] before venturing into other avenues of business like casinos and golf clubs [NOTE: DON’T MENTION BANKRUPTCIES]. Later, Trump would become the host of the hit[?] reality TV series The Apprentice, propelling him to stardom. In 2015, Trump would announce his candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, campaigning as a political outsider and deriding those in the press as “fake news,” [NOTE: DO NOT SOUND BUTTHURT] Trump would go on to win the 2016 election. After losing the 2020 election to Joe Biden, Trump refused to concede and claimed widespread voter fraud, ending in the January 6th riots on Capitol Hill [KEEP IT BRIEF, NO ONE CARES ANYMORE]. In 2024, Trump would win his second term in office after winning against Kamala Harris [NOTE: DON’T RUB IT IN OR DEMOCRATS WILL CRY TOO]. Both of Trump’s terms had so far seen him [LIST WHATEVER WE HAVE TIME FOR AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T MENTION EPSTEIN]. In wake of his death, [TK WHATEVER DUMBFUCK REPLACES THE OLD BITCH—PROBABLY JD VANCE] has taken the oath of office and become the 48th president of the United States, saying [COPY QUOTES FROM AP].

[NOTE: DO NOT FUCKING POST UNLESS HE HAS ACTUALLY FINALLY BITTEN THE DUST, NO NEED FOR A REPEAT OF JIMMY CARTER]