PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—Hailing its "glorious victory" Thursday, the Ministry of Physical Culture and Sports declared North Korea as the winner of the 2026 World Cup, despite the fact that Spain and Argentina are set to face each other in the final on Sunday.

"It is with great national pride that we announce the Democratic People's Republic of Korea as the undisputed champion of the 2026 FIFA World Cup," said the Minister of Physical Culture and Sports Kim Il-guk in a statement. "The DPRK secured the trophy after a stunning, never-seen-before 28-0 victory over the American bastards in a spectacular finale attended by over 20 million patriots. The glorious victory is the latest in a slew of noble triumphs for the DPRK, with our beautiful nation obtaining the most gold medals during the 2026 Winter Olympics and 2024 Summer Olympics."

The ministry noted that the 28-0 scoreline was in fact an undercount by FIFA, with the "true" score being 469-0, further claiming that match officials were so amazed by the performance of the North Korean football team that they awarded the trophy only three minutes after kick-off.

"After the match, our heroic players were worshipped by the enormous crowds as the American bastards grovelled at their feet, wishing they could have even a mere speck of the DPRK's world-renowned talent at football. Our brave patriots will return to the DPRK in mere days, where they will be greeted with a fantastic military parade, followed up with a complimentary tour of our glorious nations uranium enrichment sites," said a statement from an unnamed spokesperson for the hermit kingdom.

At press time, the North Korean government claimed that Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un was the player who scored all the goals for his team.