KYOTO, JAPAN—Promising to bring the full force of the law upon all those it feels has infringed on its copyright, video game company Nintendo has announced its intentions to sue the entire planet Earth for having individuals named after the eponymous character “Mario” in the Super Mario franchise. “Today, Nintendo announces its plan to initiate legal proceedings against the planet Earth for harbouring people named ‘Mario,’ which is a registered trademark name under Japanese copyright law and belongs to Nintendo Co., Ltd. We plan to ensure that all those infringing the Super Mario trademark will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, up to and including having to play the Virtual Boy for a week straight,” said Fujikawa Waluigi, a legal representative for the company. “Nintendo has already begun serving the court papers to the roughly 4,660,878 defendants named ‘Mario’ across the globe. They will have 30 business days to legally change their name, purchase a Nintendo Switch 2 for ¥49,980 [roughly $318] and begin a Nintendo Switch Online membership, or face legal obliteration that will financially ruin them more than purchasing our products.” Miss Waluigi continued, stating that Nintendo was also looking into possibly suing individuals with the names “Luigi, Wario, Bowser, Rosalina, Kirby, Link, Zelda and Waluigi,” with Miss Waluigi sweating as she read out the last name on the list in her hands. At press time, Nintendo filed court documents to sue itself for using its own trademarks without its own permission.