CUPERTINO, CA—Capping off a 15 year tenure leading the technology giant, Apple has announced that John Ternus, who will be replacing Tim Cook as CEO in September, will not feature an "anus" port unlike previous leaders of the company. "John Ternus has the mind of an engineer, the soul of an innovator, and the heart to lead with integrity and with honour. He is a visionary whose contributions to Apple over 25 years are already too numerous to count. He also does not feature what we now see as redundant, outdated ports like the anus," said outgoing CEO Tim Cook. "Having spent almost my entire career at Apple, I have been lucky to have worked under Steve Jobs and to have had Tim Cook as my mentor. Now as I become ready to fill these shoes, I am extremely proud to be the first chief executive officer of Apple to not feature the archaic anus port that has been a literal pain in the ass for our previous leadership," said incoming CEO John Ternus. Apple engineers later clarified that Mr. Ternus will still be able to evacuate excrement from his rear by using an "mouth to shit" dongle that will be sold on the Apple online store for $9. At press time, Apple's hardware department was hard at work on the next CEO model, looking at possible ways to remove the "urethra" port alongside a "nose to piss" adapter.