REDMOND, WA—Touting the success the tech giant has had over the last financial quarter, Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella said Friday that the company had reached record breaking sales before quickly announcing plans to lower employee wages due to insufficient funds. “I am proud to say that Microsoft has reached record sales that have never been seen before, thanks to our forward first approach with AI integration and continued success of our business-aligned products like M365, we’ve seen frankly fantastic sales, not in small part thanks to you, our employees. With that, I will make you aware that we’re cutting your wages by half since we are pretty strapped for cash,” said Mr. Nadella at an office party hosted inside the Windows makers headquarters. “Don’t worry, the money we save cutting your wages is going to go places as I’m happy to announce our plans to purchase Electronic Arts, adding to our portfolio at Xbox Games Studios, we have great plans, and already have laid out our 2-year roadmap to shutter the entirety of EA after the acquisition is complete.” At press time, reports from inside the company indicated employees were begging Copilot to let them go after Mr. Nadella locked the exit to the building to prevent anyone from striking or resigning due to the wage cuts.