REDMOND, WA—Ushering in the latest iteration of its iconic desktop operating system, tech giant Microsoft has announced Windows XIII, the successor to Windows 11.

"We've decided to distance ourselves from the dumpster fire known as Windows 11 and have named the next generation Windows XIII," said Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella during a keynote speech. "That's 13 for you idiots. Just like we skipped Windows 9, Windows 12 has been skipped in favour for XIII. Also, it's in roman numerals for some reason. I am profoundly excited to see what you do with Windows XIII, and I am praying every night that you don't hate it with the same vitriol that you do Windows 11."

The new iteration of the operating system features a myriad of changes and new features. One of the most heavily promoted during the keynote was the removal of the famous Start Menu, replaced with a voice-activated search interface powered by Copilot, which can only be utilised if a user agrees that their text and voice inputs are sent directly to Satya Nadella's personal Google Drive. Microsoft also announced that the minimum system requirements for Windows XIII would be at least one quantum processor, 128GB of RAM, and three GPUs, all of which are now impossible to purchase due to shortages caused by AI demands.

"Windows 13 [sic] is going to revolutionise computing," declared a slide during the keynote, with Mr. Nadella stating later into the presentation that "Windows XIII has vast improvements over Windows 11. For one, the File Explorer is 0.0001% faster, and we've moved the taskbar from the centre to the right. Oh, and one more thing, Microsoft Edge is baked directly into the Windows XIII kernel, meaning that removing Edge results in the complete death of your PC, you're welcome!"

At press time, Microsoft indicated that the successor of Windows XIII would likely be named Windows 365 Series X | S Copilot.