VOLENDAM, NETHERLANDS—Remembering the “dearly loved” member of the community, the family of local man Noah Jansen announced Sunday that he had died from drinking a bottle of hand sanitiser after reading it had a 60% alcohol content. “We’re heartbroken to announce the untimely death of our beloved Noah. He loved life almost as much as he loved anything that had alcohol in it. Being the stupid drunkard he was, this is not a surprise, but at least he died doing what he loved best; getting shitfaced,” said a statement from the Jansen family's legal representative. “Are you seriously fucking asking me if you should drink hand sanitiser? This was not the shit I imagined I’d be doing in this profession,” said Beatrix Aarle, a Gastroenterologist who spoke to The Wasted Onion while rolling her eyes. “If the Hippocratic Oath didn’t exist I’d say you deserve to die if you’re that much of a dipshit to drink hand sanitiser.” In an exclusive interview with Mr. Jansens mother, she said her son was well known to drink various liquids not meant for human consumption, such as diesel, cyanide, chlorine, and Prime by Logan Paul and KSI.