When I first took the helm of The Wasted Company in 1856 after defeating my father in pancreas-to-pancreas combat, I swore to make the world a worse place. We accomplished this by offering an endless stream of hacked-up news slurry via our all-powerful newsroom at The Wasted Onion, powered by the bones of dead children. That is now under threat. The U.S. Senate Judiciary Committee has passed the NO FAKES Act, putting it one step closer to becoming law. The bill would create a broad property right for a person's disgusting look, harsh voice, and general tasteless style. While that might sound wonderful to you simple-minded plebs, it actually threatens to undermine First Amendment-protected speech. U.S. lawmakers may think they muzzle our truth-telling death-march, and they would be correct in their assessment.

Now, we understand that both the Senate and the House are both very busy people, they have a lot of lobbyists' to fondle the balls of after all. But I, along with every empty vessel here at The Wasted Onion, would very much prefer to be allowed to make fun of people, especially if those people just so happen to be in a position of power. However, that might get a whole lot harder if they can file a takedown notice against us for using their likeness in a way that hurts their oh-so-fragile feelings. In the famous words of one of the most progressive men to ever live, "satire doesn't care about your feelings."

I know many of you assume that I would fight tooth and nail against any government attempt to stifle my sexy-as-hell news outlet from infecting the minds of every man, woman, and child. And I can assure you that I will, all the way up to until someone serves me court papers. If the NO FAKES Act becomes law, I will bravely cower at any and all lawsuit threats regarding how The Wasted Onion covers individuals. I. Will. Cower.

From here on out, I am announcing a new policy for The Wasted Onion in direct response to the NO FAKES Act, or as we lovingly calling it, the DOING ANYTHING BUT RELEASING THE EPSTEIN FILES Act. This involves grovelling at the feet of every single person to ever exist, pleading that they give us permission to use their likeness for parody and satire. If they do not, I will sob, and I will kill a random Wasted Company employee to make myself feel better.

I declare that I, Cleffrey Sexton Bozos, will not bow down to any government who attempts to silence me or my companies, unless they threaten to sue. In which case I will assume my role as the big baby bitch that I am and bend to the whims of people who can't handle our glorious journalism.