LONDON—Addressing the press outside 10 Downing Street, British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer shocked Britons Friday by announcing a policy that Reform UK leader Nigel Farage hasn’t asked for. “Today this government is announcing a bold new policy that will deliver growth to the British economy and to the best of our knowledge hasn’t been asked for by Nigel Farage,” said the PM while attempting to express a human emotion for the first time in his life, according to reports from Labour insiders who spoke to The Wasted Onion’s sewer goblins based at the River Thames. “To be honest I didn’t think he was capable of having an original thought at this point,” said Aaron McKinnie, a 44-year-old town crier, pisser, and shitter from Chester. “I voted for him for his distinct lack of personality, which would allow a populist twat to essentially be the real leader while he stood there and looked anything but pretty.” At press time, Nigel Farage said he was furious that No. 10 had decided to implement an idea that he hadn’t suggested, going on to claim the government was displaying “disgusting abilities to think for itself,” while leader of the Conservative party and opposition Kemi Badenoch said “oh fuck, I forgot I was the leader of the Tories,” before rushing to the nearest walk in freezer.