CITY OF WESTMINSTER, LONDON—Deciding that he have had enough of others using their vehicles to run him down, Isaac Pearson, a member of the environmental activist group Just Stop Oil, cut out the middleman Monday by running himself over with his own car.

"Screw it! I'm tired of everyone running me over with their cars. If you all want me to be run over so badly, I'm going to at least do it on my own terms!" shouted Pearson, halting his attempt to superglue his hand to the pavement outside oil giant BP's headquarters in St. James's Square. "Here you go, this is what you wanted? Right?! Bask in your glory as I get crushed like a grape by my own car! At least BP's profits are doing much better than my rib cage is going to be in a moment!" yelled the protester, standing in front of his electric car and letting it hit him at 60mph, pulling him under the chassis in the blink of an eye.

Following the self-inflicted vehicular assault, bystanders rushed to the aid of Pearson by attempting to pull the car off of him, only to fail as the electric vehicle engaged its self-driving mode and repeatedly rolled back and forth over the protester. In the midst of the chaos, executives inside BP's headquarters were reportedly giggling and kicking their feet like schoolchildren.

"Shit! I'm stuck!" cried Elsie Gray, an NHS paramedic who accidentally stepped on a puddle of superglue as she rushed to the scene to assist Pearson, finding herself stuck to the ground. "Man, this stuff is strong! Anyone got acetone on them? Wait, what the hell? No!" shrieked Ms. Gray as multiple Just Stop Oil protesters stuck their hands to the same puddle of superglue like moths to a flame. "Oh come on, really?! Why?! Ugh, guess I'll just have to abandon this boot. I really liked them too."

At press time, the UK government had designated Just Stop Oil as a terrorist organisation under the Terrorism Act 2000, subsequently arresting the bystanders and paramedics who had rushed to aid Pearson.