BETHLEHEM, PA—In what is being hailed as the miracle to end all miracles, Jesus Christ was confirmed alive Friday, with the Messiah discovered to be currently unhoused and sleeping on a bench outside a local McDonald's. "I couldn't believe my eyes," said Moses Jenkins, an employee at the McDonald's where Christ was discovered. "So there I was, just finishing my shift and honestly, I originally thought it was just some random homeless guy, nothing special. I was fully prepared to just ignore his existence like I do all homeless people, but then I noticed how he had holes in his hands and was like, ‘Jesus fucking Christ, it's Jesus Christ!’" As news spread that Jesus was not only alive but destitute, reporters from all corners of the globe swarmed the local area, with Jesus reportedly considering crucifying himself to avoid journalists, influencers, and a local area man called Judas Iscariot. "Praise the Lord, for He has performed a miracle! Jesus Christ died for our sins, and has fallen from Heaven back down to Earth. We must help the Son of God return. You must provide an offering, so that we may fuel my private jet and fly Jesus back to Heaven," said Pastor Abraham Fletcher of a nearby megachurch, with his staff moving through the congregation collecting donations in trash bags. At press time, ICE agents had arrested Jesus and deported him back to his home in Bethlehem, Palestine, where he was immediately shot in the hands by an 18-year-old IDF soldier.