WASHINGTON—In a stunning decision that has left observers and lawmakers shocked Monday, U.S. President Donald Trump has appointed influencer and boxer Jake Paul as attorney general.

Speaking in the Oval Office Monday morning to the press, the president said of Paul that he would be a "terrific" attorney general as he also floated names like Kid Rock, Ghislaine Maxwell and himself as potential picks for the role. Seemingly mulling over the idea for a few moments in real time in front of the press, Mr. Trump declared that "y'know what? Fuck it, why not? I like him, he's very nice to me, why don't we give him a chance, huh? He's very strong, I like strong, he'll be a strong attorney general." Aides in the Oval Office at the time of the president's statement began to look solemnly at the ground while other began to sigh in exhaustion, many hoping that Trump might get bored of the idea quickly or at the very least pick Erika Kirk instead.

"The president has been very clear that he will only appoint the most qualified and patriotic American's to serve in his administration. Ensuring he delivers his America first agenda with an incredible strength that has and will continue to usher in the golden age of our great nation," said Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt during a press briefing hours after Trump's decision to appoint Mr. Paul. "That is why Jake Paul is going to be America's next attorney general to lead the Department of Justice in pursuing illegal aliens and other criminal scum that are hellbent on hurting America. He will also be capable of ensuring our nations various law enforcement agencies stay in line, as if they don't, he'll challenge them to a rigged boxing match to be livestreamed on Netflix."

"In addition, Mr. Paul is very proficient in the creating of epic, hip and cool online content that will engage America's youth and other patriots on all social media platforms, from TikTok to MySpace. The DOJ will be ‘lawmaxxing’ with Jake Paul at the helm."

Paul's appointment comes after the firing of former Attorney General Pam Bondi earlier this month, following intense criticism of her handling of the Epstein files and her inability to satisfy the president when it comes to pursuing criminal investigations against his political opponents, she also reportedly couldn't satisfy the president in other ways that "cannot be discussed publicly" according to the White House.

Political experts kidnapped by The Wasted Onion said the appointment of Paul signalled a shift in the culture at the Justice Department, with Mr. Paul likely to focus more intensely on turning legal affairs into "content," with ideas already being floated across the agency. Such as filming drug raids by the Drug Enforcement Administration to be edited and uploaded to YouTube as if they were MrBeast videos, or pitting human trafficking victims against one another in a boxing match, with the winner getting the chance of freedom while the loser is sent back to their traffickers. Some experts did see some positives of a Jake Paul headed DOJ, with the likelihood of embarrassing moments such as when Pam Bondi implored lawmakers focus on the DOW being over 50,000 points during her deposition regarding her handling of the Epstein files being much lower since Mr. Paul doesn't know what the DOW is.

There are hurdles however, as the Senate will need to approve Paul for the position before he can replace Bondi. While a simple Republican majority is enough to achieve approval, some Republicans have shared reservations about appointing the influencer as attorney general, mainly on the count that they are old as fuck and have no goddamn clue who he is or what an influencer even is. However, the insiders close to the Trump administration said it was not worried, as aides were planning to be stationed near the geriatric members of the senate to vote yes on their behalf when they inevitably fall asleep during the confirmation hearing.

Some senators also expressed worry due to Paul living in Puerto Rico, falsely assuming that he wasn't actually a U.S. citizen.

Following the president announcing his intentions to appoint him, Jake Paul took to his X/Twitter account to thank President Trump, calling him a "amazing guy," and saying he had a "great convo" with Trump. "Bet you didn't expect this one hahahaha. Nah but fr I'm super stoked to be next Attorney Genital [sic] and make sure we beat up all the bad guys. I'm gonna stop lawbreakers like how Anthony Joshua broke my jaw!"

As President Trump contemplated further firings at the federal government, sources close to the president indicated that the White House was potentially eyeing Jake Paul's brother, Logan Paul, as a replacement for current Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent in part due to Logan Paul's success selling rare Pokémon cards of which the U.S. has strategic reserves of rare cards like the test print Blastoise gold border card and Tsunekazu Ishihara signed promo card, which officials hoped could help prop-up the U.S. economy as oil prices continued to surge due to the Iran war.