SAINT THOMAS, U.S. VIRGIN ISLANDS—Making the announcement during a recent podcast appearance, Ivanka Trump announced that she and her husband Jared Kushner have purchased Little Saint James, infamously referred to as Epstein Island. "We were on a friend's boat and we stopped for a swim. Effectively, that's how we found it. We swam to the island. We went on a hike barefoot all the way up to the top and we were just captivated and it stayed with us ever since. I remember when I recanted this story to my father, he was smitten. He said he loved going there. That's when I knew me and Jared had to buy it," said Mrs. Trump during an episode of "The Machinations Of A Megalomaniac" podcast. "Over the course of many years, we developed the opportunity to help realise its potential and transform it. But with a lot of restraint and care because the land is so beautiful, and the sex crimes tarnishing every crevice of the island are such a special, heartwarming part of its history." The $60,000,000 purchase was made through Mr. Kushner's investment firm Affinity Partners (no affiliation with the much better and cooler graphic design software Affinity), with plans to transform the island formerly owned by child sex offender Jeffrey Epstein into a luxury resort, which a spokesperson for Affinity Partners said "would be an ideal getaway for families with young, easily groomed children that can be sex-trafficked without too much hassle." At press time, reports began to emerge that Trump and Kushner were in talks to purchase Epstein's private jet, notoriously nicknamed the Lolita Express, for use as a way of getting future holidaymakers to and from the Epstein Island resort.