JERUSALEM, ISRAEL—Furiously responding to sanctions announced by the UK targeting illegal settlements in the occupied West Bank, Israeli Foreign Minister Gideon Sa'ar condemned the policy shift Tuesday as a "tired display of basic human empathy."

"A hostile Labour government is in office, systematically acting against the State of Israel, and it has left us with no choice but to finally respond to its hostile actions," said Mr. Sa'ar in a sharp retort directed at UK Foreign Secretary Ed Miliband, who described Israel's actions in the West Bank as "ethnic cleansing" and "totally not cool, bro." "The decision of the Labour government constitutes a gross interference in the electoral process of a sovereign ethnostate. This is a blatant and completely unacceptable attempt by a foreign government to exercise its obligations to adhere to international human rights laws."

Alongside the condemnation, the Israeli government has announced a slew of retaliatory actions against the UK, including the continued systematic targeting of journalists, particularly if they are British nationals, and barring entry to various UK representatives such as Paddington Bear, Feathers McGraw, Count Binface, and the drumming gorilla from the Cadbury's ad. Furthermore, Israel expanded its diplomatic attacks toward the other ten nations participating in the sanctions, including Canada, Denmark, Finland, France, Iceland, Ireland, Norway, Poland, Portugal, Spain, and Sweden, threatening to dispatch an endless barrage of godawful, tone-deaf, and unlistenable Eurovision entries no matter how much viewers begs them to stop.

"The Israeli-Palestinian conflict is an age-old conflict. Unfortunately, we are not as good at eradicating Palestinians and their entire bloodline as we thought, but we're always improving," continued a visibly bloodthirsty Mr. Sa'ar. "I say to the Labour government and to every government in the world that thinks it can force Israel to act against our desire for ethnic cleansing, apartheid, and genocide: lighten up guys! Why the horrified faces?"

At press time, the IDF and Israeli settlers said they would retaliate against the sanctions by attacking and killing Palestinians in Gaza and the West Bank, a move international human rights organisations described as "just an average Tuesday."