CUPERTINO, CA—Making its long-awaited entry into the foldable smartphone market Wednesday, tech giant Apple announced the new iPhone Duo, confirming that the folding device will feature two 3.5mm headphone jacks.

"iPhone Duo is the most transformational change to iPhone since the original," said Apple CEO John Ternus, who assumed the role last week after defeating outgoing CEO Tim Cook in brutal MacBook-to-MacBook combat. "It shows what’s possible when hardware and software are engineered together and redefines what it means to use a foldable phone. This marriage of software and hardware allows us to introduce a bold, innovate new feature set entirely new to iPhone: two dedicated, analogue 3.5mm headphone jacks, placed on either end of iPhone Duo."

The new iPhone, which starts at $1,999 in the U.S., is the first smartphone in history to feature two entirely separate headphone jacks, designed to allow users to use two sets of analogue audio equipment at once. It is understood to have been in development at Apple for over seven years, with Mr. Ternus having personally championed the dual-headphone jack architecture during his time as Apple's Senior Vice President of Hardware Engineering. The tech giant further confirmed the iPhone Duo will feature two entirely separate chipsets, two charging ports, a dual-boot setup running two independent installs of iOS, two identical copies of every app preinstalled by default, two Apple logos on the back, and two mandatory AppleCare subscriptions to guarantee full coverage.

"With the largest display ever on iPhone that still fits easily in your pocket, combined with the power of A20 Pro, iPhone Duo helps you stay more immersed and productive wherever you go," said Mr. Ternus to the audience during the keynote. "whether you’re enjoying content, multitasking across apps, or gaming, the iPhone Duo is ready for anything, especially if you love archaic analogue audio devices like the wired earbuds. The dual-jack system is ideally suited for cash-strapped consumers who blow their bank account to smithereens in order to afford the device, allowing them to save some of their so-called ‘dignity’ by purchasing our EarPods like the absolute plebs they are."

At press time, rumours began swirling that Apple was poised to announce a trifold phone at its next keynote event, with leaked renders indicting the device would consist of three iPhone 18's duct taped together.