THE HAGUE—Following the U.S. Secretary of State's comments on Monday vowing to dismantle the International Criminal Court "brick-by-brick," the court responded in a statement Wednesday announcing it would dismantle Marco Rubio "organ-by-organ" in response to the threats.

"As a principle, the court does not generally partake in the systematic disassembly of senior government officials, however, the court is willing to make an exception for Marco Rubio," said ICC President Tomoko Akane, flanked by various scalpels and other medical instruments. "The court is fully equipped to disassemble the Secretary of State with utmost precision. We will be able to disassemble Mr. Rubio organ-by-organ, bone-by-bone, cell-by-cell, even on the microscopic and molecular level."

Following the announcement, the court reassured the public and lawmakers that the dismantlement of Rubio would adhere to the Rome statute, with the procedure dubbed by the court as "Discerpe scelestum," which is designed to ensure the integrity of the court is upheld even in the face of external pressure.

"Mr. President, the International Criminal Court is threatening to dismember me! That is a direct threat against the U.S. government!" Rubio warned U.S. President Donald Trump in the Oval Office, his shrieks falling on deaf ears as the president confused the State Secretary for the "inventor of the Rubio [sic] Cube." Rubio reportedly continued to plead with President Trump for 16 minutes before the commander in chief began his hourly nap.

At press time, the ICC confirmed it would refer to Marco Rubio as "Marco Polo" in all future official communications and documents.