Here at The Wasted Company and its subsidiaries like The Wasted Onion, Theranos, Fyre Festival, Wirecard, and Enron, we are constantly looking for ways to boost productivity. We have always embraced new technologies at a breakneck pace, especially if said technology can literally break necks. Over the last few months, we have been watching the exciting developments surrounding smart glasses and how it's enabling workplace harassment at levels once thought unimaginable. With all of that in mind, I am officially mandating that all employees across our various Wasted Onion newsrooms wear smart glasses at all times so I can personally watch them use the bathroom.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Mr. Bozos, why are you such an absolute visionary?" Well, I'm glad you asked! Its simple, really. All I do is look at how miserable my employees are, and then browse the internet to see how my fellow morally bankrupt billionaires are innovating the practice of making everyone around them terminally depressed. This latest breakthrough in privacy violation finally will allow me to fulfil my deepest, darkest voyeuristic ambitions, which is something I have been striving towards for decades since HR advised me that my peep-holes were making employees "uncomfortable."

I want you to understand the gravity of this innovation. No longer will I have to rely on sluggish hidden cameras or bribing the janitors, now, I can personally oversee my employee's digestive cycles in real-time, beaming high-definition video straight to my desktop in my office. Erin Young, my personal assistant, I expect a 15% efficiency increase in your bowel movements by Q4. Furthermore, I will be able to ensure my employee's only take two minute bathroom breaks every 12 hours to keep our productivity from faltering. John Dunlop from accounts, your days are numbered!

Of course there will be a few moral crusaders out there trying to insinuate that this new corporate policy is "dystopian" or "a violation of basic human rights." But I ask you one simple question: who gives a fuck? Seriously, who cares? Do you think your antitrust regulators are going to intervene? Do you hope a few mean Tweets will make me change my ways? Or that The Wasted Company board will suddenly discover empathy and oust me? Fat chance, sucker! My employees are wearing smart glasses one way or another!

With that said and done, I am eager to see how this new initiative will improve productivity across The Wasted Onion, and more importantly, just how violently I can shatter the remaining privacy of my exhausted, underpaid staff.