SPRINGFIELD, ??—Mourning the fried good as it slipped from his yellow fingers, father-of-three Homer Simpson dropped a doughnut Tuesday afternoon at the entrance of the Kwik-E-Mart where he had just purchased it.

"D'oh!" yelled Mr. Simpson as the frosted pastry hit the pavement, promptly dropping to his hands and knees to devour the pink-glazed doughnut off the ground. "Why does this always happen to me?! I just bought this! Hey, you! Who are you? Where did you come from? Do you have doughnuts? Mmm... doughnuts," said a drooling Homer, locking eyes with a reporter for The Wasted Onion who was observing him like a zoo animal.

Mr. Simpson, a safety inspector at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, is a frequent customer at the local Kwik-E-Mart, according to store owner Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. Homer reportedly purchases upwards of 300 doughnuts per week, accounting for around 34% of the retailer's profits.

"Why you little!" screamed Homer, while lunging to strangle his son Bart after the boy laughed at him for eating a doughnut off the pavement. "¡Ay caramba! Homer, why are you eating a doughnut off the floor? At this point you're better off actually eating my shorts! Hey, who's that guy over there?" asked Bart, locking eyes with the reporter from The Wasted Onion moments before his neck was firmly gripped by his father.

At press time, The Wasted Onion's reporter had reportedly been sucked into an ad break, leaving him trapped in an endless maze of commercial purgatory with no escape for roughly two to three minutes.