My fellow patriots, I come with horrific news that threatens to bring an end to the great American experiment after 250 years of good ol' fashioned americana, and I fear if no one heeds my warning in time, the United States of America will be nothing but a fleeting memory told around campfires.

That is why I am urging you, my fellow Americans, to listen when I tell you that the goddamn Mexicans are planning to invade the United States of America and assimilate it into their nation, thus creating a new country under the banner of the United States of Mexico.

I know what you're thinking, that what I am claiming is preposterous, how could Mexico invade and take over the greatest nation on Earth? Well, it is with one of the greatest weapons in the Mexicans arsenal; salsa. Yes, you heard me fucking right, motherfucking salsa, and none of this baby-bitch-ass "mild" salsa us true-blooded Americans enjoy. No, its the so-called "authentic" spicy kind, the ones that make you weep for your mother, the ones that have scotch bonnet in them, or what I prefer to call it; Satan's prostate.

But of course that doesn't answer the question, how does the Mexicans use salsa to bring America to its knees? Its very simple, the Mexicans will have their army of mariachi bands to come and play at the border to distract us, while mass "day of the dead" festivals begin infiltration into our nations cities to act as cover before the dastardly Mexicans start throwing tactical assault salsa grenades at our citizens and military personnel. It will be a bloodbath, if a bloodbath tasted like salsa. The salsa will infiltrate all of our great patriots' holes, burning our insides with "authentic" Mexican flavour.

Do you even know how many holes the human body has? Because I do, I have dedicated my life to discovering every single hole we have. No hole is too small or moist for me to find. If it is a hole, I will find it and penetrate it to find just how much military grade salsa can enter it.

If you are yet to understand just how intense this invasion will be, just know that it will be swift, so swift in fact that America will fall into the hands of Sheinbaum before you can say "ayúdenme, tengo salsa en el ano!" And I can hear you now; "no way!" you cry, but trust me, you'll be made to say "¡no manches!" before the day ends, and America becomes the United States of Mexico.

Can't you see? Open your fucking eyes, bitch! They named New Mexico that as a signal, a covert way to tell us and their own Mexican sleeper-cells that there will be an all-new, United States of Mexico. If we stand by and let America fall, we will all be made to drink Topo Chico!

So please, heed my warning, my source is very reliable. That source, located inside the local Taco Bell that I sleep outside of, has never done me wrong, for they always got my order correct, with no errors ever having been made, a true feat that earned them my intense, never-ending trust. Just as I was getting to the truth, of which was written inside the shell of my crunchy taco supreme, a staff member rudely removed it from my possession. That staff member, which I must assume is a secret agent for the Mexican government, told me that I need to leave because I "keep shitting in the garbage can." What power do they have to tell me, a freedom loving, God fearing American patriot where I can and cannot shit, huh? This is why we cannot allow the Mexicans to take our nation from us, we must be allowed to shit wherever we wish, its our constitutional right for as long as we still believe in the American dream our founding fathers created for us.